Stress' Unintended Victims
The comments I’m hearing from the pastors I’m dealing with are growing in their consistency and intensity. They are all feeling…
overwhelmed (“The burden of leadership is so heavy!”,
disillusioned (“I didn’t sign up for this!”),
and perplexed (“I don’t know what steps to take!”).
Even for the most spiritually healthy, these days have added a layer of stress. The challenge is exacerbated when we take out that stress on those we love.
Even for the most spiritually healthy, these days have added a layer of stress. The challenge is exacerbated when we take out that stress on those we love.
In two different instances recently pastors admitted to allowing stress to trigger an explosion in their families. One man let his anger get the best of him with his children. Another shared that he had an uncharacteristic battle with his spouse.
Perhaps you’ve found yourself facing the same thing. Amid all of the physical, financial, and educational implications of COVID, there’s also the relational implications. The stress we are experiencing can result in negative emotions like anger, fear, despair, and sadness, and when our buttons get pushed, those strong emotions can boil over, causing real hurt to others.
In light of that, let me offer you some simple ground rules than can ease the tension and deal with the conflict without wounding each other.
1. Practice increased self-awareness.
Pay attention to your emotional state. Learn to identify when negative emotions like anxiety, anger, or disgust start to take over. Recognize that when you are physically or mentally exhausted, these negative emotions are more likely to get triggered and you are more likely to wound those in your path.
When you are physically or mentally exhausted, negative emotions like anxiety, anger, or disgust are more likely to get triggered and you are more likely to wound those in your path.
2. Learn to calm yourself.
In his book Building Bounce – How to Grow Emotional Resilience, Dr. Marcus Warner notes that when you are frustrated, angry, or frightened, the right side of your brain – the region that keeps you relationally engaged – shuts down.
When that happens, you are unable to access the part of your brain that tells you how it’s like you to act.
When you are frustrated, angry, or frightened, the right side of your brain – the region that keeps you relationally engaged – shuts down and you are unable to access the part of your brain that tells you how it’s like you to act.
Have you ever noticed that when strong negative emotions take over, some people (maybe you!) suddenly act like a completely different person? That typically friendly, helpful person is now rude and selfish.
In order to get your relational circuits back on track, you need to first lower the intensity of those negative emotions by calming or quieting yourself.
One simple way to calm yourself is to take a slow, deep breath in, hold for a couple of seconds, then breathe out slowly through your mouth. As you do, speak words of Scripture such as, “Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You, O Lord.” (Ps. 56:3) Or “Be still and know that I am God.” (Ps. 46:24) Repeat this several times until you begin to feel your body relax.
3. Listen First.
As the issue is put on the table, place yourself in the position of listener rather than accuser. Ask questions such as, “I’m curious why…” or “Help me to understand…”
Place yourself in the position of listener rather than accuser. Ask questions such as, “I’m curious why…” or “Help me to understand…”
Don’t think about how you will respond. Try to hear what the other person is saying. Listen for the emotions behind their words and validate how they feel. Repeat back what you understand them to be saying, to make sure you heard it right.
4. Avoid Assumptions.
We all make assumptions and fill in blanks with our imaginations, and very often we are wrong. Before you get annoyed or wounded, make sure the narrative you are telling yourself about someone else’s motivations or actions is actually true.
Before you get annoyed or wounded, make sure the narrative you are telling yourself about someone else’s motivations or actions is actually true.
5. Communicate With “I” Statements.
Share what you are feeling and what you need with “I” statements, owning your own feelings. “You” statements often lead the conversation down the wrong path and elicit defensiveness.
6. Seek forgiveness.
As soon as you recognize that you made a mistake, overreacted, or said something that caused hurt, say “I’m sorry. Will you please forgive me?” These two simple sentences, sincerely spoken, can diffuse bigger arguments and heal wounds. This may be the very best communication skill you ever teach your children and one that will surely strengthen your relationship with your spouse.
“I’m sorry. Will you please forgive me?” These two simple sentences, sincerely spoken, can diffuse bigger arguments and heal wounds.
7. Forgive freely.
When we are wounded the Evil One will look for ways to exploit that wound and plant seeds of bitterness. Such bitterness will continue to fester and poison future interactions.
The only way to nullify the power of those seeds is to forgive…freely, ongoingly, and completely. Forgive as you have been forgiven.
You cannot control much right now – not coronavirus, not being in forced tight quarters, not your spouse’s attitude nor your children’s actions. The one thing you do have control over is your own attitude – so make it positive and productive.
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