Keeping Relationships Bigger Than Problems
One of the primary responsibilities of leadership is solving problems. It simply comes with the territory. The problems may arise from circumstances that are not really anyone’s fault.
There’s a computer glitch.
There’s a dip in finances.
There’s a malfunction with the air conditioning.
However, more times than not, the problems arise out of human failure of some kind.
There’s a violation of policies and procedures.
There’s a negative attitude that’s emerging.
There’s a failure to fulfill part of the job description.
When these things occur, something must be done to address them. And it’s the leader’s job to do so.
Unfortunately, far too many leaders have been taught or had modeled to them, that problems get solved by powering up. “Confrontation” is the name of the game. The goal: fix the problem. Sadly, little thought is given to the relational collateral damage that results.
This type of leadership creates a culture of fear and hiding. Whether it’s in a business, a school, a church, or a home, when the bottom line is results, relationships suffer. And who wants to work or live like that?
However, it’s the ability to successfully resolve problems without blowing up the relationship that sets great leaders apart from good leaders.
It’s the ability to successfully resolve problems without blowing up the relationship that sets great leaders apart from good leaders.
Great leaders recognize that problems don’t exist in a vacuum. They come out of the context of relationships. When we keep relationships bigger than problems – while still dealing with the problems - we will create a culture of joy, where people want to stay and give their best.
When we keep relationships bigger than problems – while still dealing with the problems – we will create a culture of joy, where people want to stay and give their best.
I recently heard about one leader who wrote this sentence on a whiteboard in his office: “Keep the relationship bigger than the problem.”
When his staff came into his office and questioned what that meant, the leader said, “Problems come and problems go. It’s not that we’re not going to deal with those problems. But we’re going to recognize that, bigger than any problem, is our relationship.”
Envelope Conversations
Dr. Marcus Warner, in his book Rare Leadership (co-authored by Dr. Jim Wilder), offers a simple tool that can help with this. He calls the tool “envelope conversations.”
In an envelope conversation, you essentially stick the problem that needs to be discussed into the envelope of relationship.
In an envelope conversation, you essentially stick the problem that needs to be discussed into the envelope of relationship.
So how might this play out?
According to Dr. Warner, it helps to think of past, present, and future.
Step #1 – Begin the conversation by focusing on your past relationship.
Establish the value you put on them and the relationship you have had. Reference its history and importance to you and the organization. “Charley, we’ve been working together for several years now and I really appreciate what you bring to the team.”
This is not the same as saying something positive before something negative (though that’s not a bad practice). This is about focusing on the relationship and keeping it bigger than the problem.
Step #2 – State the present problem.
“I want to talk with you about your expense account. There are some expenditures that I’m curious about because they don’t fit within our policy.”
Notice the phrase, “I’m curious…” Rather than accusing, it offers an invitation to dialogue.
This doesn’t mean avoiding or minimizing the problem. Indeed, this might require having a very hard conversation. Yet, by beginning with relationship, and seeking to remain open and relational throughout the discussion, you improve the chances of successfully resolving the issue.
Step #3 – End with your hope for the future of your relationship.
Affirm your desire that the relationship will be as good as, if not stronger than before, once the problem is resolved. “I want us to continue to be partners and look forward to us moving forward together.”
The commitment to keep relationships bigger than problems doesn’t mean that you will never have to discipline an employee. Nor does it mean that you will never have to dismiss an employee.
However, if you practice envelope conversations, you will be creating a culture of collaboration whereby you and your team can move forward without either blowing people up or avoiding problems.
In fact, this will actually allow you to solve more problems because the relationship can withstand it.
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