The Friendless Pastor, Part 2
Many pastors have very few true friends. Frankly, it’s made many of those in the ministry among the most lonely of people. In part one of The Friendless Pastor, I offered some of the reasons why pastors struggle in this area.
However, having identified those, how do we change that situation? How can pastors break out of the cage of loneliness?
Of course, Jesus is a great friend who sticks closer than a brother (Proverbs 18:24). And, hopefully, our spouse is our best friend.
But the truth is pastors need more than that. We need others who can walk through life with us. We need individuals with whom we can share deeply, play joyfully, celebrate freely, lament honestly, and pray boldly.
While all men need relationships like that, those who are in the pastorate also need those who know and understand the unique pressures and challenges of ministry.
Pastors need individuals with whom we can share deeply, play joyfully, celebrate freely, lament honestly, and pray boldly. Those who know and understand the unique pressures and challenges of ministry.
And here’s the other side – so does the pastor’s spouse. They need friends just as much but have the same concerns and struggles to find them.
Over the years my wife has realized the hard way that some people were only her friend because of my position. They wanted information and access more than they wanted friendship.
So let me offer a few suggestions for pastors and spouses to find true friends.
1. Be willing to look outside the church.
The reality is that there may not be someone in your church you can truly trust, who is willing to keep confidences, and who you can honestly pour your heart out to.
This can be more difficult when your church is small. Not only is the pool of potential friendships reduced, but if you do in fact find some special friends, the jealousy factor can come into play.
That being the case, you may find it safer to find friends outside your church. This also allows for the fact that if you are called to leave your church, you will still have a close group of friends.
2. Reach out to another pastor.
I can guarantee you that not far from you is a pastor just as lonely or in need of a friend as you. Start by establishing some predictable patterns of meeting for coffee or sharing a meal or attending a family event such as a soccer game or a cross country meet. Keep it relaxed and easy.
Reach out to another pastor. I can guarantee you that not far from you is a pastor just as lonely or in need of a friend as you.
If they are more distant, with the benefit of the on-line world you can still connect virtually on a regular basis and look for ways that you might periodically meet face to face.
3. Build the relationship slowly.
Take some time to invest in the search for a friend. It may mean having multiple meetings with several different guys before there’s a mutual sense of connectivity from which a deep friendship can be developed.
If you’re in fact looking for a long-term relationship, be willing to build it over the long-term. Trust is built over time and through multiple shared conversations.
4. Find common ground.
Do you enjoy fishing, golf, or basketball? Do you like to dine out or travel? Who are some people, whether pastors or laypeople, who have similar interests as you?
Begin by simply sharing this common ground. Then see if a friendship might build out of that.
5. Look for someone healthy.
This is critical. You won’t find someone perfect, but you need someone who is not looking for you to always be the minister.
These people do exist! There are those with healthy personal lives and healthy professional lives that don’t need you to keep them healthy. You’ll need this healthy relationship to nourish you when you don’t feel as healthy.
6. Be intentional.
You don’t often find a friend until you go looking for one. Once you see this as a value you want to embrace, make it a matter of prayer and then set it as a goal.
You don’t often find a friend until you go looking for one.
I’ve found that I’m more likely to hit a target I am specifically aiming to hit. Make having a few good friends something you’re shooting for.
7. Take a risk.
While reaching out for a potential friendship can seem daunting (especially if you’ve known the pain of betrayal), it’s worth the risk. Don’t allow fear of “What if?” to hold you back from the possibility of “Why not?”
You may have to cast your relational net for a while, but in the end, you might well end up with a winning catch.
I’m sure this list isn’t exhaustive. Perhaps you have a tip or two to add. I’d love to see what you have learned, so use the comment section below.
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