The Friendless Pastor, Part 1
It's ironic that pastors, those who talk the most about the need for community, often experience it the least. Our days and nights are filled with calls, meetings, and interactions. But despite lots of people contact, we have few trusted peers.
Barna Research discovered that 61% of pastors are lonely and have few close friends. Indeed, the loneliest people in churches are often pastors.
Barna Research discovered that 61% of pastors are lonely and have few close friends. Indeed, the loneliest people in churches are often pastors.
Why is this so?
There’s an array of reasons. Here is a sampling of some of the most common ones.
1. Someone taught us never to have close friendships in our church.
In the past, this was commonly taught in Bible colleges and seminaries. The rationale was that the pastor should never be seen as “playing favorites.” Or that the person who proclaimed God’s Word didn’t dare be exposed as having feet of clay. This may not be specifically taught anymore, but there are still those who offer such counsel. Most likely that’s because of reason #2.
2. We’ve been hurt in the past.
I can understand this from personal experience. On occasions when I did make close friends and did offer some vulnerability, I experienced betrayal. The old adage, “Once bitten, twice shy!” is well understood by many pastors. Too many of us have bought into the lie that friendships aren’t worth the risk…or the pain.
Too many pastors have bought into the lie that friendships aren’t worth the risk…or the pain.
3. We assume this ministry is not our last.
If we think that this church is only one stop on our ministry journey, it’s harder to develop deep friendships. Who wants to invest deeply when you know this role is a fleeting one?
4. Others are uncomfortable around us.
While pastors would like to be seen as “ordinary folk,” many congregants can’t see them as such. I know what it’s like to see the conversation shift and the atmosphere change when I enter a room. And on more than one occasion I’ve heard the flippant comment upon my departure, “Now we can start having fun!”
5. Our spouse has been hurt.
We can often handle it when our feelings are hurt, but it’s tougher when our spouse has been wounded. Protecting our spouse from hurt sometimes means avoiding deep relationships.
Pastors can often handle it when our feelings are hurt, but it’s tougher when our spouse has been wounded. Protecting our spouse from hurt sometimes means avoiding deep relationships.
6. We don’t want anyone to know us well.
For pastors who admit this reason, it’s often because we don’t want to appear to be less than our public persona. We are fully aware the we often don’t pray as we should, or forgive as we should, or witness as we should. And in our guilt (shame?) it’s easier to isolate.
7. We get tired of people.
It’s not that we don’t love people; it’s just that it feels like we’re around people all the time. Taking a break from people, though, usually means closing the door to close friendships that demand time to maintain.
8. We feel the need to always be the spiritual father or wise counselor.
There’s the sense that whoever we’re with, eventually there will be a question to be answered or a need to be met. Rather than always having to be “on” in a relationship or gathering, it’s easier to be absent.
9. Congregants get jealous and accusative.
As pastors, we fear getting too close to particular people, lest others get angry. The barbed comment, “Must be nice to be the pastor’s special friend!” not only stings but can poison a church.
10. People think that others will be our friends.
More times than I can count, my wife and I were not invited to functions because the assumption was that we wouldn’t lack for invitations. Yet, rather than having more offers than we could respond to, we got none.
In my next post I will offer some suggestions on how a pastor might take some steps toward finding friends. But, for now, I would be curious to know about some of your struggles in this area.
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