Clues That Someone is About to Leave Your Church

In looking back at my years of being a lead pastor, one of the hardest issues to handle was when an individual or family would leave.

On some occasions, the person(s) would ask to meet with me, share what had brought them to this decision, and thank me for my investment in them.

More times than not, however, they simply drifted away.

As I’ve thought about this and done a bit of research, there are some indicators that a potential exit is in the works. If you can address them early enough, that exit might be stopped.

1. A dramatic decrease in financial support.

It’s been said that the last thing that comes to a church is a person’s money and the first thing that goes is a person’s money. For this reason, I asked our financial secretary to give me a “heads up” when there was a change in giving habits. It wasn’t an issue of the amount they’d been giving. (I didn’t need to know that.) It was a trend over time.

2. Resignation of a volunteer position.

When a volunteer quits, it’s often a sign of waning passion or fatigue. But the result is that ties get cut and relationships grow distant. That void of purpose and connection can cause an individual to begin to entertain the notion of changing churches.

I encouraged my staff to not ignore resignations among their volunteers and asked them to be diligent to seek out the reasons why quickly.

When a volunteer quits it creates a void of purpose and connection that can cause an individual to begin to entertain the notion of changing churches.

3. Cessation of small group participation.

No matter how large a church is, it’s in the smaller settings that relationships are formed and connections are made. Once this is lost, moving on becomes more of a possibility. Monitor your small groups and instruct your leaders to aggressively pursue those who seem to be fading in their involvement.

4. Criticism and complaint.

In an attempt to “justify” leaving, often there will be an increase of criticism and complaint. All too often this is ignored or creates conflict when the better strategy would be to meet with the person(s) – not only to address the issues but to ask the probing question: “What else are you struggling with?”

5. Wounding.

While you would like to think that believers faithfully practice Matthew 18:15 and go to a brother or sister when they are sinned against, all too many choose to flee the situation instead of working through it. This underscores the need to regularly stress the importance of relational integrity.

While you would like to think that believers go to a brother or sister when they are sinned against, all too many choose to flee the situation instead of working through it.

6. The inconsistency of a spouse.

When you see one member of the family in attendance, it’s easy to assume that the entire family is still solidly in. Yet I faced the fact that many times, one spouse would leave first – for any number of reasons: friends at another church, preferred music or preaching at another church, unhappiness with how he/she had been treated. To address this can be awkward, but it’s exceedingly important to do so in order to underscore the value of couples worshiping together. Even if both end up leaving, the greater good of their unity is important to be realized.

7. Kids getting involved in other churches.

It can begin so innocuously. A special outing, a musical opportunity, a youth group…a closer, more convenient location, the chance to be with school peers. Unhappy adults will stay in a church where their children are happy. Conversely, happy adults will not stay in a church where their kids are unhappy.

Unhappy adults will stay in a church where their children are happy. Conversely, happy adults will not stay in a church where their kids are unhappy.

8. Increasing engagement with another church’s activities.

Playing for a softball team. Attending a Bible study. Going on a women’s retreat. To be sure, there’s nothing wrong with any of these. However, all too often relationships are formed and invitations are made to make the jump.

9. Verbalized excitement over another church’s vision.

It’s been said that without vision people will perish. It’s also true that without vision people will vanish. Make sure that you regularly articulate a compelling vision and invite people to share in it. If you don’t, they will go to a place where they can.

It’s been said that without vision people will perish. It’s also true that without vision people will vanish.

Those are some of the identifiers that I came up with. I would be curious to know if you have any to add. Please feel free to do in the comments section.

To be sure, an awareness of these factors may not preempt the exit. However, I have discovered that, on multiple occasions, if I would have had a meeting sooner rather than later, the reason for leaving became less compelling.

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