Of Screens and Phubbing
Screens dominate our lives. TV screens, computer screens, smartphone screens, tablet screens, gaming screens, video conference screens. We are screened like no other generation in history.
According to one source, on average, adults spend about 11 hours a day staring at some kind of screen. That same source said that we check our phones roughly 60 times per day.
Screens are increasingly dominating our time as they demand our attention. However, there’s a subtle downside to all of this screen time. Screens greatly diminish our listening attentiveness.
Screens greatly diminish our listening attentiveness.
The Problem of Phubbing
In their book Listen Up or Lose, authors Robert and Dorothy Bolton write about the hidden cost of all this screen time especially as it relates to the problem of “phubbing.”
I’d never heard that word before, but I looked it up and it’s actually in the dictionary. Phubbing is snubbing someone you’re with by using your mobile phone in the midst of a conversation.
Regarding this, the Boltons write, “Multitasking in the presence of another person is a blatant kind of non-attending. Huge numbers of people now engage in (phubbing) even when it makes them inattentive to the person or persons they are with.”
Such phubbing is rapidly gaining widespread use. A Baylor University study of 450 adults reported that 46.3% of their partners phubbed them and 22.6% said that phubbing caused relational problems. All because of a silly screen.
The thing is, such phubbing isn’t restricted to marriage. Parents phub their children and vice versa. Friends phub friends. And all too often, leaders phub their subordinates. You’ve seen it and so have I.
We defend such behavior by stating that we’re trying to make the most of our time. That we can multitask and not miss a beat. “I’m listening,” we say. And then we proudly cite what we just heard.
Thinging
Bolton and Bolton offer this blunt observation regarding that: “Few people, however, stop to consider that when they are speaking with a person and currently engaged in a digital device, they are ‘thinging’ the person they’re conversing with – treating him/her as an object, a nonperson.”
All this to say that phubbing not only distracts us, it depersonalizes others. Tim Roehl writes, “Being a “Thing 1” or “Thing 2” might be cute in a Dr. Seuss story, but to treat someone as a “thing” in real life is disgraceful.”
Phubbing not only distracts us, it depersonalizes others.
Ever been “phubbed”? I have – on multiple occasions. I’ve been phubbed by other leaders. I’ve been phubbed by friends. I’ve even been phubbed by family members. And I can tell you that it hurts.
The Honor of Our Attention
But how about you? How often do you “phub” others versus engaging in conversations with your eyes as well as your ears? Determining to listen, really listen, to what’s being said.
There are many ways we can honor others. However, one of the simplest, yet most profound, is to attend to them with full attention.
One of the simplest, yet most profound, ways to honor others is to give them our full attention.
I would encourage you to give some thought to your penchant for phubbing. And then make a fresh commitment to break away from the screens that can be so dominating and so demeaning.
Better yet, why not create some phubbing-free zones in your world. Around the dinner table with your family. While engaging with your friends. During staff meetings.
After all, the screen can wait. Healthy relationships can’t.
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