An Empty Chair at Christmas
When you’ve lost a loved one, every “first” without them can feel excruciating. The first birthday…or Mother’s Day…or Father’s Day. Then there are the holidays. They take the sense of loss to another level.
With the passing of my mom a year ago, we faced our “firsts” over the months since. Thanksgiving. Christmas. Her birthday. Each one was hard.
Perhaps you’re dealing with the loss of a loved one in this season. It may be recent, or it could be that years have passed. In either case, the loss is real and the pain is profound.
Even the best times are punctuated with an awareness that someone is missing. In the midst of all the laughter and gaiety, there can be real heartache.
So, what can we do to deal with the feelings of sadness that stem from having that empty chair around the table? I did some research and found a few suggestions.
1. Let yourself grieve.
Grief is a normal and natural process. While it may hurt, it’s important to admit to your pain and give vent to your emotions. To be sure, there is no “right way” to grieve – we all process grief in different ways – but let yourself feel. Be honest with others about your feelings. And remember that you’re not alone in it. God sees you and will meet you in your pain. Jesus promised this: “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted” (Matthew 5:4)
2. Expect to be unexpectedly hit with waves of sadness.
Gwen and I refer to this as those moments when we’re “ambushed.” It can come out of nowhere – a sight…a sound…a song. Processing grief is messy. So when the tears come (and they will) recognize that that’s okay. By the way, it’s a great gift to let grieving people know they don’t have to be embarrassed by their tears around you. An even greater gift is to shed tears of your own over the loss of the person they love. Your tears reflect the worth of the person who died and assure them that they are not alone in missing that person.
3. Spend time with loved ones.
Our sadness can intensify when we feel alone. Sharing your feelings with family members might trigger tears, but it can also be therapeutic. We got together as an extended family around Thanksgiving and talked about Mom and how much she would have loved seeing this. And I will make sure to contact my siblings at Christmas as well.
4. Share memories and keep traditions alive.
As we emptied out my Mom’s apartment after her death last year, my siblings and I divided up some of the classic Christmas ornaments that had decorated Mom’s tree for decades. They are now on our tree, and oh, the memories that flowed as we hung them there. We also viewed some old videos of holiday gatherings with Mom and Dad, laughing and crying at their antics.
5. Allow the truth of Christmas to give you hope.
One thing I said to family members is, “You know, it’s Mom’s first Christmas in heaven. I bet she’s having a ball. And I can’t wait to join her one day.”
This is our great hope at Christmas, and the hope we have to share with those who are grieving at Christmas – that “yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.”
The Christ who came as a baby and died as our substitute will one day return to consummate his kingdom. And when he does, “he will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore” (Revelation 21:4).
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