Turning On the VCR
Whether you’re a pastor or a parent, a spouse or a friend, the occasion will arise when you encounter someone going through a difficult time. It may be a traumatic time of loss or disappointment, betrayal or grief. Or it may simply be the frustrations and anxieties of daily life. All you know is they are stuck on an island of negative emotion and can’t escape it.
Often in those moments, our tendency is to try to “fix it.” We want to help the person “get over it” quickly. So, we offer what we see as wise words or even a biblical perspective.
One would think that the person would respond with, “Thanks. I needed that,” or “That is so helpful.”
Yet more times than not either the person simply shakes their head and remains silent or mumbles, “You don’t understand” or “That’s not what I need now” or even “Don’t try to fix me.”
Dr. Marcus Warner suggests that while the time may come for counsel or advice, that’s the last of three steps we need to take.
He suggests that we employ a technique he describes as “Turning on the VCR.” In that acronym “V” stands for “Validate.” “C” stands for “Comfort.” And “R” stands for “Redirect.” Allow me to briefly unpack each.
VALIDATE
Everyone wants to feel like you understand how they are feeling. To validate is to accurately identify the other person’s emotions and how big those emotions are.
Validating an emotion does not necessarily mean you agree with it. Rather, it recognizes that the emotion exists and seeks to understand the intensity of it.
“I can see that really made you angry.” If you’ve correctly identified the primary emotion, they will likely nod their head.
“If you were to rate your anger on a scale of 1-10, how big would you say it is? An 8? Wow! That’s really big.”
This simple validation of the emotion sends the message that you recognize the hurt and how significant it is. This important step of validation allows you to move forward to the next level which is…
COMFORT
If validation is naming the emotions involved and identifying how big they are, comforting has to do with making these emotions smaller and the problem more manageable. We all like hanging out with people who make our problems smaller.
Again, it is important that validation occurs before trying to comfort. If you try to comfort someone without first showing that you understand what they are feeling, it will feel like you are invalidating them. That is one of the reasons people usually don’t like “fixers.” Fixers always jump in with a solution without taking the time to understand first.
So how do you offer comfort? One way is to let them know that they are not alone. This is called “attunement.” Attunement says, “I want you to know that I see you. I hear you. And I’m glad to be with you in this.”
It’s been said that pain becomes trauma when you feel like you are all alone in it. Offering attunement can dial back the size of the emotion.
As appropriate, this can also include a spiritual element. “I want you to know something else. The Lord sees you and hears you and He is glad to be with you in this.”
The goal in the comfort stage is to soothe the person enough to make the negative emotions smaller, to help them get “unstuck” and begin to move toward hope.
With a sense that you understand their pain and that they are not alone in their pain, an individual is now open to hearing some counsel unto their recovery from the pain.
REDIRECT
In this stage, possible solutions can be offered and received. Folks will be able to be reminded of what is still true and what isn’t true.
It’s now that words of Scripture can be offered. It’s here that a new perspective can be shared. And it’s at this point where next steps can be identified.
Obviously, I’ve just skimmed the surface on this. However, I can tell you that using this technique has revolutionized how my wife, Gwen, and I engage with one another during difficult times. It has marked how I respond to my children and grandchildren. And it has improved my ministry to hurting individuals and my coaching with pastors.
I encourage you to give it a try. And see if by turning on the VCR you get a better reception.
Learn more about VCR and other Heart-focused Discipleship tools in these books by Dr. Marcus Warner:
Building Bounce (co-authored by Stefanie Hinman)
Rare Leadership (co-authored by Jim Wilder)
For other resources, visit Deeper Walk International
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