TMI?
One of the great challenges for pastors is deciding how much of their personal lives to reveal – whether in private conversations or in sermon illustrations. It’s known as “appropriate self-disclosure” and it’s a big deal.
Reveal too little and it can appear that the pastor is aloof and apart. Reveal too much and it can seem that the pastor is using the pulpit as a confessional or therapy session.
So how does one find a good balance? In a recent article I read by Cary Nieuwhof, he offers some sage advice to pastors regarding this.
“Here's a question I ask myself when deciding what to share publicly: Is it a wound, a scab, or a scar?
If it's a scar, it's healed and, in many cases, helpful to others to share.
If it's a scab, maybe. But if there's still unresolved issues or relationships, I better work on those first before sharing.
If it's a wound, I likely have a lot of work to do before sharing anything. Resolve privately. Then you can share publicly.”
Good stuff! And, if you’re a pastor, this can really help you discern appropriate self-disclosure.
However, I think there’s something here for all of us – whether we’re pastors or not.
The Public Square of Social Media
In this era when social media is the rage, I’ve seen many examples of inappropriate exposure.
Someone gets wounded by a church and they end up venting their pain in a destructive way on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram. Believe me, I’ve seen this happen so very often with the result that “sympathizers” to the one who posted are not only poisoned but join in the poisoning.
“Yeah. Me too. That place treats everyone terribly.”
“I know what you’re talking about. If people had a lick of sense, they wouldn’t attend there.”
“I can tell you that I’ve heard the same thing from many others.”
I’m not saying that churches can’t wound people. They can and do because they are filled with those who are themselves very much in process. And that’s sometimes a messy thing.
However, here’s the thing. When individuals declare their woundedness in such a way and at such a time, they are not in a healthy position to go public. Their pain is too raw. Their perspective is too limited.
And yet by the time they’ve begun to heal and increased their perspective, it’s too late. The damage has been done.
This is not to say that wounds should not be acknowledged or that pain shouldn’t be processed. The issue is, “What’s the best setting for that?”
Perhaps these filters might be helpful toward that end.
WHAT should be acknowledged and processed?
WHEN should it be acknowledged and processed?
WHERE should it be acknowledged and processed?
WITH WHOM should it be acknowledged and processed?
Wounds are inevitable – whether they are self-inflicted or inflicted by others. But healing is available – when it takes place in a healthy environment. And, ultimately, even the resulting scars can be a testimony of God’s ability to bring beauty out of brokenness.
Let’s determine to practice appropriate self-disclosure lest we do incalculable damage to the Kingdom.
Oh…and one more thing. When we witness someone doing otherwise, let’s not join them in their public outburst but, rather, quietly challenge them to use an appropriate venue.
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