Shrinking the Joy Gap
Gwen and I just got back from a couple of weeks at the beach. We had been excitedly anticipating this trip since we planned it nearly a year ago. Escaping the cold and grey of Indiana winter and enjoying a bit of sun, sand, and sea together sent joy flowing through our brains and with it, hope, energy and a greater closeness between us.
It’s a perfect example of what authors Marcus Warner and Chris Coursey talk about in their fascinating little book The 4 Habits of Joy-Filled Marriages.
“Falling in love,” they explain, “is all about joy. When you fall in love with someone, you experience a ‘joy explosion’ in your brain that floods your body with hormones like dopamine.”
They continue, “Couples who stay in love throughout their married lives are couples who excel at the art of keeping their joy levels high.”
Warner and Coursey offer this simple diagram that illustrates what they call a “joy gap.”
“A joy gap is the length of time between moments of shared joy. When too much time passes between moments of shared joy, a joy gap is created that makes you feel distant and alone in your marriage. The wider the joy gap becomes, the more likely it is for your problems (and everyone has them) to overwhelm you.”
What’s the joy gap like in your marriage? Has it been a while since you shared joy with your spouse? How about with your kids, your team, or your friends?
What could you do to begin to shrink the joy gap in your relationships?
G.A.M.E.S.
In another of his books called Building Bounce, Dr. Warner offers some simple, practical “joy builders” using the acrostic of GAMES. Though they are great practices for building my personal joy, when I engage in them with Gwen, we find the joy gap in our marriage starts to shrink.
G.A.M.E.S. stands for:
Gratitude. Regularly thinking about and expressing gratitude to one another and appreciation for one another is a simple yet powerful tool.
Anticipation. Part of the power of an event isn’t simply when the event occurs, but the anticipation of it. Sometimes the anticipation creates more joy than the event itself! Having something to look forward to and talking about it together builds joy.
Memories. Taking time to reflect on pleasurable shared experiences of the past, in a sense reliving them, stimulates joy.
Experiences. These can be large (a vacation) or small (a trip to a coffee shop). They can occur in isolation or they can occur in a larger group. The key is that they are experienced together.
Singing. It’s surprising that singing together (maybe some old songs from your dating days) can trigger joy.
As I write this, Gwen and I are ANTICIPATING returning to the Florida coastline next winter. We’ve been talking about our MEMORIES from our recent trip and enjoying the EXPERIENCE of celebrating birthdays with our family. We even did some SINGING in the car during the long road trip! As a result, our joy buckets are full!
What can you do to close the joy gap in your relationships? It doesn’t have to be with a trip to the beach. Indeed, most of the time it’s just looking for little ways that you can play some G.A.M.E.S. with one another.
Give it a go! I think you’ll be amazed at the result.
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