Ministering to Families of Suicide
Suicide is a tragedy that is increasingly common in our day. It is the 10th leading cause of death in the U.S. for all ages and the 2nd leading cause of death in the world for those aged 15-24 years.
There is one death by suicide every ten minutes. It takes the lives of nearly 45,000 every year. The loss of those lives is incalculable.
But it doesn’t end there. An estimated quarter-million each year become suicide survivors. They desperately need the love and support of the Body of Christ.
Any death plunges family members and friends into a season of grief. But a suicide death takes it to a whole different level.
Suicide literally explodes into a person's life like an earthquake registering off the Richter scale. One moment, they are blissfully traveling down the road of life, and the next, an event happens that opens the earth in a yawning chasm before them.
As with the survivors of an actual earthquake, suicide families are in mind-numbing, heart-breaking, soul-shaking shock, simply existing in the wake of the destruction.
Suicide explodes into a person's life like an earthquake. As with earthquake survivors, suicide families are in mind-numbing, heart-breaking, soul-shaking shock, simply existing in the wake of the destruction.
Common Mistakes
Many Christians and not a few pastors do not know how to respond to suicide, and in their ignorance, often do more harm than good. Here are some common mistakes:
Refusing to talk about what happened
As with any death, people often feel talking about it will upset the family, so they avoid the subject. But when a suicide occurs, people back off even more. The fact is, survivors of suicide need to talk about what has happened as much as any other survivors – perhaps more.
Offering an explanation for the unexplainable
The most frequent question asked by families of suicide is, “Why?” And the only answer is, “I don’t know.” Don't feel you have to inform or explain. It’s better to allow for the tension of the unknown than the confusion triggered by half-baked explanations.
Disallowing the emotions of shock and anger as well as grief
You should be prepared to hear and accept a wider range of emotions when there’s a suicide. Shock and anger will be on full display. You may be uncomfortable with the intensity of expression of these emotions. However, it is important for survivors to express themselves without being silenced. Don't try to calm survivors down or cut short their expression of emotion.
Placing the victim in heaven or hell
Often Christians feel compelled to pass judgment on the circumstances of the death and speculate about whether the victim is in heaven or hell. This is never appropriate. God is the only Righteous Judge and the status of the soul of the deceased is in His hands. Church leaders especially need to leave judgment to God. Many a survivor has turned his back on the church and God following a judgmental statement by an overly pious pastor.
How You Can Help
Be bold in reaching out to survivors of suicide.
Grieving survivors need to be acknowledged, not ignored. Although you may feel more awkward in this situation than with other deaths, your determination to reach out to them will be even more needed.Let them know you care.
Rather than offering some glib answer or short-sighted comment, simply say, “I am so very sorry.” Do everything you can to let the person know you are there for them and willing to listen without judging or challenging.Be a good listener.
Allow survivors to talk about what they are feeling. Listen much; talk little. Much of what you say will be ineffective because the person is in a state of mind that will not allow listening or absorbing.Encourage counseling or support group attendance.
Make some calls for the person to help locate a counselor, clergy, or support group. Arrange for someone to drive them to and from the appointment or meeting.Be practical.
What can your church body do for the person right now? Can you provide childcare, meals, or transportation? Instead of saying, “Call us if you need anything” offer practical suggestions.Be available.
It doesn't really matter what we say to comfort people during a time of suffering, it's our concern and availability that count. Realize the most difficult period for the family is probably not the days immediately following the death. Rather, it is likely to be the weeks and months that follow, after everyone else has gone back to “business as usual.”Take the long view of support.
During the initial period of shock, survivors are not feeling many of the emotions they will feel later. You may meet the greatest need six to eight weeks following the death or when the first birthday or holidays come around. Pay special attention as the one-year anniversary of the suicide approaches.Create and train a team to care for families in grief.
Educate them, especially in the area of suicide. This can especially be a potential area of ministry for those who have experienced loss firsthand.
This challenge is not going away. If anything, it will be on the increase. Make sure that your church is up to the challenge. It will be one of the most important expressions of love you can offer.
The challenge of suicide is not going away. If anything, it will be on the increase. Make sure your church is up to the challenge. It will be one of the most important expressions of love you can offer.
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