Exit Wounds
After 40 years of pastoral ministry, I’ve come to see that these two realities are inevitable:
People will leave the church.
It will hurt when they leave.
There are many reasons why people leave – some legit…some lame. But that’s another subject for another post.
For today, perhaps some solace might be found in the fact that it happens to all pastors. And, if nothing else, some value might be gained in knowing you’re not alone in your disappointment.
Here’s when it’s been especially hard for me when people leave:
1. When it’s someone I’ve invested in deeply
While our role of shepherd requires us to tend to the whole flock, there are some sheep that we feel the need to spend extended time with.
It may be the result of their special point of need: a personal crisis, a troubled marriage, a lost baby, a prodigal child. Hours are invested. Help is offered. Healing comes.
It may be the result of their potential. They want to lean vigorously into discipleship and you recognize II Timothy 2:2 potential. You spend focused time with them, giving them unique access to your life.
Then they leave.
And it hurts to have invested all that time, compassion, and energy only to have them walk away to live out their health and growth elsewhere.
2. When it’s a close friend
It’s been said that pastors should never have friends in their churches. I don’t believe that. While not everyone in your church needs to be your friend, some can be and should be.
The challenge is that, when they choose to leave, a rare gift is taken from you. You’ve not only lost a partner but a brother.
I don’t know how many times I’ve had someone say, “Nothing has to change. We can still be friends,” but with the loss of frequency of contact and the lack of shared mission, that is seldom the case.
And it hurts.
3. When they leave without explaining why
While all exits are hard to face, there’s some comfort to be gained when we’re at least told why that person or family left. I can look back at some difficult, yet poignant meetings when I had to hear the words, “We wanted you to know that we’re leaving. Here’s what the reasons are and what the reasons aren’t.”
Those meetings allowed for gratitude to be shared, affection to be shown, and blessing to be offered. Though often there were tears, there was at least a sense of closure.
The greater pain is when there is no meeting and there is no explanation.
It’s at those times when the questions arise as to why it happened and where I failed them. And it’s at those times when seeing them in other venues is awkward.
That hurts.
4. When they tell every reason why
This is the flip side of the silent departure. You get a strained, “Pastor, we need to talk” call. All too often it comes out of the blue.
People who I thought were doing well and were happy in the church sit down with me and pull out a piece of paper listing a detailed litany of offenses.
Some are legitimate.
Many are not.
All of them are painful to hear.
But the most frustrating thing about the “here’s every reason why I’m leaving” conversation is…
5. When they don’t allow an opportunity to make things right
I wish people would share their concerns with me when recovery is still possible. Sadly, I’ve been through too many meetings where…
I didn’t know there was a problem.
The problem would have been fixable if I’d known.
It was just a misunderstanding that we could have easily resolved.
But it’s too late now. The emotional bridges have been burned. And they’ve already made their minds up to leave.
It’s hard when people leave a church. Each departure hurts. The collective pain from years of those exits is like bruises on the soul.
It’s hard when people leave a church. Each departure hurts. The collective pain from years of those exits is like bruises on the soul.
Such is the challenge of leadership.
And challenge it is!
It’s all too easy to let the Evil One leverage your pain and disappointment. (“It’s all your fault that they left. If you were any kind of leader, this wouldn’t have happened!”)
As a result, we can allow these wounds to infect us with self-doubt, cynicism, or people-pleasing.
It’s easy to let the Evil One leverage our pain and disappointment when people leave the church. As a result, we can allow these wounds to infect us with self-doubt, cynicism, or people-pleasing.
By the way, I was able to come up with that list quite quickly because I’ve faced all of them.
While there might have been things I could have done better (and need to learn from), there are other factors that were beyond my control.
Even the best leader had people walk away. Jesus didn’t hold onto all of His followers either (see John 6:67).
It was the ability to handle that disappointment and continue on that set Jesus apart. And good leaders take their cue from Him, not the critics.
Even Jesus had people walk away. It was the ability to handle that disappointment and continue on that set Jesus apart. And good leaders take their cue from Him, not the critics.
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