7 Steps to Take When People Leave
Every pastor knows the feeling.
The news may have come via email, phone, or second-hand conversation. A key family is leaving your church. They may already have found another church, or they may just be beginning the search process.
But their decision has been made. It’s irrevocable. It is final.
You feel like you’ve been kicked in the gut. You try to tell yourself not to take it personally, but you do anyway. Many times you are totally blindsided. You don’t understand. You are wounded.
And it’s hard. I know. This is one of the aspects of pastoring that I struggled with the most.
I’ve spent far too many hours beating myself up or feeling judgment toward people who left – especially those who left without a word.
After all these years, I’ve come to realize that the one who paid the price was me. I didn’t punish them by my anger and hurt. I punished myself.
It took a while, but there are some things I’ve learned that I wish I’d known earlier in my ministry. Hopefully, you’ll find them helpful when you face the inevitable exits.
1. Talk to God about it.
The psalmist wrote, “Trust in Him at all times, O people; Pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us.” (Ps. 62:8).
The One we serve is the God of all comfort. He is the God of all wisdom. He knows our hurts and concerns even before we voice them, and they matter deeply to Him.
Before you do anything else, get into His presence, express your grief, and allow Him to comfort you.
2. Keep your perspective.
Remember that it is His Church, not yours. They are His people, not yours.
In reality, all of the redeemed fit perfectly into the kingdom of God and His universal church forever. But on this side of eternity, not every person fits perfectly into each local church forever.
All of the redeemed fit perfectly into the kingdom of God and His universal church forever. But on this side of eternity, not every person fits perfectly into each local church forever.
There are times when people, for whatever reason, feel the need to move on. Maybe the vision can’t be owned. Maybe the messages no longer connect. Maybe a ministry doesn’t meet a need.
Maybe the Lord wants to use a person’s gifting in another body for a specific purpose. (Could it be that God, in His sovereign purposes, wants someone to be somewhere else for their own growth and the growth of another body?)
Remember that God is sovereign, and it is His church, not yours.
3. Forgive them.
As with any other hurt or offense, bitterness or judgment lurks in the shadows. Defuse the power of these deadly responses by forgiving the ones who hurt you.
They might not have intended to do so. They might have even left in a good way. But the sense of abandonment, if not betrayal, still can exist. Forgive…even as you have been forgiven.
4. Meet with them.
If they are willing, sit down with those who are leaving. Listen more than speak.
Don’t be defensive. Some of the words they say may bring you pain but allow them to speak and vent if necessary.
Look for ways to do the following before the meeting ends:
Affirm them for honoring you by meeting with you.
Receive their compliments as well as their complaints.
Accept their decision and recognize their pain.
Thank them for their contribution.
Bless them and pray over them.
5. Learn from them.
It is sometimes hard to accept that not all church members agree with your leadership and your church’s ministry. But there is no pastor, past or present, who will make everyone happy.
And if you have a teachable spirit, you can learn much when people leave by asking them a few questions. Now before you do this, you must be ready for them to answer honestly and you shouldn’t get upset with them for their answers.
‘Is there any way that I, as the pastor, could have led you better?’
‘Is there anything you feel the church is lacking that is causing you to want to fellowship elsewhere?’
‘If you could change anything about our ministry here, what would it be?
Weigh their words wisely. Discern what’s true and what isn’t. Hold on to what you must. Make changes where you need to.
6. Speak well of them.
Just because they left your church community doesn’t mean they departed the kingdom of God. So, treat them as fellow heirs of grace.
Believe the best about them. Refuse to badmouth them. Shut down any gossip about them. Others in your church will follow your lead.
7. Respond graciously to them.
You will periodically come across these former attenders. Their choice of a church home should not determine your response.
Take the high road and extend grace. When you see them, go to them, greet them warmly, ask how they are doing, and be genuinely glad for how God is blessing them in their new church.
The Benefits
This grace-based approach toward former church members has multiple benefits.
First, by actively loving and blessing others, you will guard your own heart against resentment and bitterness.
Benefit of a grace-based approach toward former church members: by actively loving and blessing others, you will guard your own heart from resentment and bitterness.
Second, you will protect others from guilt and free them to give themselves fully to serving the Lord in their new church family.
Benefit of a grace-based approach toward former church members: you will protect others from guilt and free them to give themselves fully to serving the Lord in their new church family.
Third, by not allowing bridges to be burned, you will leave the way open for people to return if their change of churches doesn’t work out as they had hoped.
Benefit of a grace-based approach toward former church members: by not burning bridges, you leave the way open for people to return if their change of church doesn’t work out as they had hoped.
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