Dealing with Criticism
One of the occupational hazards of being a leader is receiving criticism. It just comes with the territory. Indeed, I believe that the leader who does anything different, worthwhile, or visionary can count on criticism.
Along this line, I appreciate the remarks made by the fiery president of a past generation:
It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, and comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; who does actually try to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion and spends himself in a worthy cause; who, at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.
Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs even though checkered by failure, then to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat.
Theodore Roosevelt
To those words, I add a resounding “Amen.”
Nonetheless, criticism is inevitable and unavoidable. Thus, learning to deal with it effectively is not only a necessary “people skill” for a pastor, it is essential if you hope to prevent the barbs of criticism from burying into your heart and leaving wounds.
Learning to deal with criticism effectively is not only a necessary “people skill” for a pastor, it is essential if you hope to prevent the barbs of criticism from burying into your heart and leaving wounds.
Here are a few things I’ve learned over the years.
Consider the Source
Not all critics are the same and therefore they should not be handled the same. Take a look at these five types of critics.
Consider the source of the criticism. Not all critics are the same and therefore they should not be handled the same.
The constructive critic. This person really does want what’s best for you and the church. He or she does not have a personal agenda or vendetta. Most have prayed about talking to you or writing to you before confronting you. The best response is to listen, discern and, if necessary, make changes. The challenge is that it is often difficult to discern the voice of constructive words in the cacophony of other criticisms.
The negligent critic. This person makes an offhand comment and does not think much of it. He does not realize that his words stung you. He truly was not making the issue a personal matter. It is likely that if you let these critics know of your hurt, they will be both surprised and remorseful.
The hurt critic. The old adage is, oh, so true: Hurt people hurt people. Pain is pervasive in our world, and church members are not exempt from it. Unfortunately, pastors are often the most visible and convenient targets for the hurt and angry critic. The wise leader considers where there might be pain behind the barbed comment.
The sinful critic. Yes, everyone is a sinner. But some church members are living in a state of rebellious and unrepentant sin. Their criticisms are attempts at deflection. They refuse to face their rebellious ways, so they try to make you feel like the guilty party. Unfortunately, pastors often do not know these facts at the moments in which they are criticized.
The self-serving critic. This critic is having a thinly-disguised temper tantrum because he is not getting his way on some issue in the church. He doesn’t like the music. He doesn’t approve of the budget the church voted on. Somebody changed “his” order of service. So he lashes out at you because you are the leader who either led or accepted these changes.
Consider the Substance
Sometimes we get criticized for very good reasons. We need to own that. While constructive feedback can often be delivered in misguided ways, too many of us dismiss any criticism out of hand.
I appreciate some wise counsel I heard some time back regarding critics: “They may not have hit the bull’s eye, but they rarely miss the target entirely.” That is to say, what is true in what they said? Where might there be something for me to learn here?
Consider the substance of criticism. Critics may not hit the bull’s eye, but they rarely miss the target entirely.
Consider Your Response
No matter the nature of the issue or the actions of the critic, how you respond will be exceedingly important. Here are a few practical suggestions:
Don’t be defensive. The natural reaction to the perceived attack of criticism is to fight back. Choose to refrain from defending yourself and counter-attacking.
Hear critics out. Don’t interrupt the critic. When he appears to be finished, ask, “Is there anything else?” to flush out the full complaint.
Give credit for their sincerity and thank them for coming to you. Responding graciously will immediately ease the tension (and probably surprise the critic). As word gets out regarding your response to them, this can reinforce the positive behavior of coming to you first.
Responding graciously to criticism will immediately ease the tension (and probably surprise the critic).
If the encounter takes place on a Sunday morning (when you’re distracted and drained), offer another time to meet within the next few days. I’ve found that Sundays are usually not the best time to have these kinds of conversations.
Ask for the evidence upon which the criticism is based. If it’s valid, the critic has done you a favor, allowing you to make corrections. If it’s only rumor or hearsay, you have the opportunity to draw attention to that.
Emphasize points of agreement. Look for ways to affirm your shared values regarding the issue. Validate their confusion or hurt as you can.
If wrong, apologize quickly, specifically, and emphatically. Then ask for their forgiveness. By posing the question, “Will you please forgive me for…?” you give them an opportunity to respond.
Talk about it. First talk to God, then to a trusted friend. Seek advice from those whose perspective can augment your own, particularly if the friend is familiar with the critic and the issue.
Forgive. All criticism hurts and hurt left unattended can go toxic. Don’t hold a grudge or become bitter.
All criticism hurts and hurt left unattended can go toxic. Don’t hold a grudge or become bitter. Instead, forgive.
Ask the Lord where there might be any truth in their words. Even poorly offered criticism can be a valuable source of information. Quite often we spend more time justifying and excusing or rationalizing than in trying to see where there might be something to learn. If we learn anything from the story of Balaam and the talking donkey, it’s that even the most unlikely of mouthpieces might offer truth.
If we learn anything from the story of Balaam and the talking donkey, it’s that even the most unlikely of mouthpieces can offer truth.
Make warranted changes. Don’t let the pain of the encounter keep you from doing what’s right. Some of the best moves I made came as a result of the worst of critics.
Criticism is inevitable. Anyone in a position of leadership will face criticism. Deal with it prayerfully and courageously but accept it as a part of your leadership that it will never go away.
All criticisms sting, at least for most of us. But not all criticisms are bad for us. Indeed, in many cases, our leadership and ministry can be more effective if we look for the truth and adjust even as we respond with grace and soldier on.
All criticisms sting, at least for most of us. But not all criticisms are bad for us. In many cases our leadership can be more effective if we look for the truth and adjust, responding with grace as we soldier on.
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