10 Lessons I’ve Learned in 42 Years of Marriage
I look at this picture and wonder, “Who were those kids?!” Hard to believe that was us – Gwen and me – on our wedding day 42 years ago.
We just celebrated another anniversary and the occasion prompted me to do some reflecting on lessons we’ve learned along the way that have helped our marriage not only survive but thrive.
Some of these lessons we learned the hard way. Others we came to value almost by mistake. All of them made a difference.
The list isn’t exhaustive. And we aren’t always consistent in doing them. Yet, they are lessons worth learning... and practicing.
1. Believe the best and forgive the worst.
Choose a positive default. Instead of assuming the negative, love believes the best - that your spouse is with you and for you and wants your marriage to thrive. And when those moments come when an action or attitude seems to prove otherwise, forgive freely and fully.
2. Celebrate your memories and anticipate your plans.
Reminiscing together about the good times, those shared moments of joy you’ve experienced has an amazing capacity to rekindle faded feelings of closeness. As well, making plans for the future, talking about your dreams – both short- and long-term – gives you something to look forward to. Anticipation is another great way to find joy in your relationship.
3. Enjoy shared times and allow for alone times.
Find some activities that you like to share together: riding bikes, taking walks, doing puzzles, exploring new restaurants, etc. Playing together is a great marriage builder! Yet giving each other permission to have personal time is also a gift of love (especially for introverts): a personal retreat, fishing with the guys, a shopping trip, a quiet Saturday morning without the kids, etc.
4. Embed daily, weekly, seasonal, and annual opportunities for connection.
Establish regular relational rhythms. Put them in your calendar. For many years, Gwen and I would take several minutes each day after work to sit down, look each other in the eye, and process our days together. That daily rhythm kept us connected. A weekly rhythm might include date night or cooking a special meal together. Schedule a seasonal getaway. There are many retreat centers that offer pastors a respite for free. And then, of course, there’s the time for an annual vacation. Make sure that it not only includes the extended family but time for the two of you as well.
5. Become a student of one another and honor each other’s uniqueness and individuality.
Knowing one another’s story (family of origin, difficult seasons, wounded places) can help you understand what “triggers” your spouse and how to help them return to joy. Personality assessments are not only helpful in understanding your church staff, they can also help you understand your spouse. Tools such as the DISC and the enneagram have provided us with many insights into each other’s point of view, strengths, and weaknesses. Use that knowledge to build each other up, calling out the best in each other.
6. Seek to be a servant at all times and in all ways.
Be observant of what needs to be done around the house and take the lead in doing it. Note the tasks she hates doing and do them for her. Mutually honoring each other through acts of kindness may not seem like much, but serving in these small ways can result in big dividends.
7. Consider how to fill your spouse’s joy bucket.
As you become a student of your husband/wife, take note of what brings them joy. Maybe it’s as simple as a beautiful single rose, or as sweet as a box of her favorite chocolate. Maybe it’s enjoying the glories of nature or taking in the latest superhero film. But what turns happiness into joy is when it is shared with someone who is glad to be with them.
8. Remember the big value of the “little things.”
Not all reminders of love have to cost a lot of money. A note here…a call there. An unexpected treat. A spontaneous outing. Many times the most meaningful moments only take a bit of forethought.
9. Express appreciation.
Gratitude and appreciation are some of the best ways to open up a relationship that is shut down. Make a list of things you appreciate about your spouse and specific instances when you’ve experienced that from them. Then tell them. Face to face or in a letter. You’ll be amazed at what genuine and specific appreciation will do for a marriage.
10. Recognize that life is short.
I have too many friends who have lost their husband or wife way too soon. Their grief reminds me that we aren’t guaranteed tomorrow. So, make the most of today. Remind her daily of your love. What would you wish you had said or done today that would have made a difference?
So there you have it – ten tips. Again, this list isn’t exhaustive. However, hopefully, you will find one or more of these helpful for your next season of marriage.
And if you have some to add, please feel free to do so in the “comments” section. After 4+ decades, we’re still eager to learn.
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