135 Blessed Are the Peacemakers: What Forgiveness Isn't

In his letter to the Colossians, the Apostle Paul tells us that “as God’s chosen people,” we are to “forgive as the Lord forgave you.” (Col. 3:13) Having been forgiven by God, we are to extend forgiveness to others.

Not only is forgiveness the right thing to do, it is the smart thing to do. See…

Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. 

But forgiving can be a huge challenge. And one of the biggest reasons why is because of the misconceptions we have about what forgiveness is…and isn’t. So, let’s begin by clearing away some of that faulty thinking.

1.     Forgiveness is not excusing the offense. 

In fact, forgiveness is the opposite of excusing. Forgiveness acknowledges that the offense is utterly inexcusable. But you forgive anyway because, in the words of C.S. Lewis, “To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you.” 

2.     Forgiveness is not denying or minimizing the pain.

While forgiveness is a matter of the will, it doesn’t mean we ignore our feelings. It hurt! It has scarred you. But rather than deny the pain, you need to admit it…and then determine to forgive anyway… lest your abuser continue to have power over you.

Refusing to forgive keeps you tethered to the one who hurt you.  Though you may think you’re free of them, in reality you’re in bondage to them.  But with forgiveness, there is freedom.

3.     Forgiveness is not “letting them off the hook.”

When you forgive you’re not letting them off the hook, you’re letting them off your hook and putting them on God’s hook.  They’re not getting away with anything.

God is just and vengeance is His. (Rom. 12:17-19) Let God do His job. 

In the final analysis, forgiveness is an act of faith.  By forgiving another, I am trusting that God will deal with them far better than I ever will.  I release my need to get even and leave it for Him to work out.  

4.     Forgiveness does not mean you must blindly trust again.

There’s a difference between forgiveness and trust. Forgiveness can be granted at a moment in time; trust is earned over the passage of time.

5.     Forgiveness does not require immediate restoration of the relationship. 

It takes one to sinner to repent and it takes one victim to forgive, but it takes both to reconcile.  

Forgiveness is the gateway to potential reconciliation, but whether that happens is a function of many other factors.

Forgiving another person is primarily for the sake of our relationship with God and for the healing our own soul.  That is what we can control. Whether they ever reciprocate is something we cannot control.  

6.     Forgiveness is not synonymous with forgetting.

Ever heard this line? “If you forgive, you must forget.  If you haven’t forgotten, you haven’t really forgiven.”  It sounds slick, but it’s simply not true.  “Forgive and Forget” sounds appealing, but it just doesn’t square with reality.  The fact is our memories simply cannot be erased on command.

Rather, as we choose to forgive and continue to release them to God each time the memory comes, gradually the hold the hurt and pain have on you will lessen and dim.

Text: Colossians 3:12-13; various

Originally recorded on September 8, 2013, at Fellowship Missionary Church, Fort Wayne, IN.