Anger Management
“Stop being angry! Turn from your rage! Do not lose your temper – it only leads to harm.”
Psalm 37:8 (NLT)
Several decades ago, a popular anger management therapy arose called ventilationism. The approach boiled down to this: When you get angry, let it out. Discharge your feelings, get it off your chest, blow off steam, hit something, throw something, scream something.
Proponents argued that keeping your anger all bottled up wasn’t healthy. They said it would just build up inside – like steam within a teakettle – and would eventually explode if there wasn’t some sort of release.
Such thinking has led to an industry called “rage rooms.” Have you heard of these?
A rage room is a location where people can vent their anger by destroying objects within the room: glassware, computers, televisions, furniture, etc. There are an estimated 60 of these venues in the U.S.
While those who have used them speak glowingly of how good it felt to “let all the anger out,” the data suggests that these rooms are in fact counter-productive when it comes to anger management.
In January 2017, a study led by Michael Stevens on rage rooms showed that they are not effective in controlling anger, and in some cases, may actually make participants more angry.
As it turns out, instead of reducing anger, ventilating reinforces it. The research is very clear on this. There have been dozens of studies over the last several decades and not a single one demonstrates that blowing up in anger is an effective way to manage anger. It just creates more anger.
There have been dozens of studies over the last several decades and not a single one demonstrates that blowing up in anger is an effective way to manage anger. It just creates more anger.
That makes me angry!
To be sure, there’s a right time and place for anger. Jesus demonstrated this when He cleansed the Temple.
But, let’s be honest. The vast majority of the time our anger is not righteous indignation that should be expressed for the good of others.
Rather, we get angry when…
Our expectations are unmet.
Our pride is offended.
The pursuit of our goals is blocked.
Our feelings are hurt.
Most of the time our anger is not righteous indignation that should be expressed for the good of others. Rather, we get angry when our expectations are unmet, our pride is offended, our goals are blocked, or our feelings are hurt.
When we get angry about these things, we respond in several ways. Some people are:
Brewers.
“Brewers” internalize their anger. They stuff their anger, and over time its poison seeps into their soul, shuts down their emotions and cripples their relationships. Usually “brewers” are not even aware of their anger or the impact it is having on them or the people around them. It is hidden in their hearts, unacknowledged and unaddressed.
Stewers.
“Stewers” are a different breed. These folks are agitated, irritated and frustrated. Their anger is not hidden. You can see and sense it in them. Like a pot sitting on the stove at medium to high heat, there is an intense and steamy presence about them. You never know if or when the explosion is coming. They rumble and grumble their way through life in a heated, threatening way.
Spewers.
“Spewers” do what their name implies. Whatever is on the inside comes out, and whoever is nearby gets barraged by the blast. “Spewers” rant and rave. Like an emotional tornado, they detonate and then dissipate, but they leave lots of destruction in their wake.
Brewing, stewing and spewing are all bad options when it comes to dealing with anger. Each is the wrong way to handle it. And, as noted in the verse above, God says to “stop it!” The question is “How?”
The 3 R’s of Overcoming Anger
Here are some steps you can take to diffuse and defeat the controlling power of anger. We might call them the “3 R’s of Overcoming Anger:”
R = Recognize it.
Learn to recognize anger in yourself. All too often we are hijacked by anger without realizing what is happening to us. Develop a personal sensitivity to the signs and symptoms of anger in your own soul. Don’t let it sneak up on you!
R = Reflect on it.
To reflect is to think about something quietly and carefully. It is to contemplate.
Anger doesn’t want reflection, it demands reaction. It screams at you to throw caution to the wind; say what you want to say and do what you feel like doing. Don’t let anger have its way.
When you detect anger in yourself, slow down, step back, zip up the lips, and take control of your mind. Take some time to think about where your anger is coming from. What is causing anger in you? What started it? What is making you vulnerable to it? Also, reflect on the consequences of your anger. What damage will you do to yourself and others if you let it go unchecked?
When you detect anger in yourself, slow down, step back, zip up the lips, and take control of your mind.
R = Release it.
Turn your disappointments, offenses, frustrations and hurts over to God. Determine that you will do whatever necessary to make sure that anger doesn’t invade you, poison or pollute you.
Offer grace. Forgive people. Accept disappointments and delays patiently, trusting God’s plan and timing.
If in fact, an issue needs to be dealt with, do it at a time and in a way that your anger won’t cloud the discussion or short-circuit some resolution.
Remember: A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back. Proverbs 29:11
A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back.
Proverbs 29:11
PRAYER
Lord, I have to admit that all too often I do, in fact, give vent to my spirit – whether it’s on the road, at my job, or in my home. And I see that such “ventilation” not only fuels my anger, it wounds the “ventilatee". Help me deal with my anger in a positive way by recognizing it, reflecting on it, and releasing it. Jesus, may my spirit more and more reflect your Spirit.
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