Responding to Betrayal
I was recently asked, “What were the most difficult moments you faced in your 40 years of ministry?” I had to ponder the question for a moment as dozens of memories came flooding back.
the heartbreak of doing the funeral of dear friends
the agony of watching a much prayed for person die
the dissolution of a marriage that I’d worked so hard to restore
the departure of individuals who left without a word
Hard occurrences to be sure.
But I came to the conclusion that the toughest of all was the pain of betrayal.
the staff member who I sought to defend yet who ended up turning on me
the leader with whom I shared my deepest issues who used that information to accuse me
the people who I deeply invested in who abandoned me
There was a time I thought I could avoid this by being a good leader, but I later realized even Jesus, the perfect leader, experienced abandonment (see John 6:66).
There was a time I thought I could avoid the pain of betrayal by being a good leader, but even Jesus, the perfect leader, experienced abandonment.
In modern terms, His Treasurer betrayed Him and His Executive Pastor denied him. I’ve come to believe it’s naïve to think that great leadership will make us immune to abandonment and betrayal. Perhaps a better question is, “How do we bounce back after being so wounded?”
It’s naïve to think that great leadership will make us immune to abandonment and betrayal. Perhaps a better question is, “How do we bounce back after being so wounded?”
Here are a few suggestions that have proven helpful to me.
1. Recognize that it’s not a matter of “if” we get hurt, it’s a matter of “when” we get hurt.
Leaders, by virtue of their position, are vulnerable to wounding.
With responsibility comes ownership. And with ownership comes investment. And with investment comes pain when that investment is betrayed.
While this may not mitigate against the disappointment and pain, I have found that recognizing the possibility (probability?) of betrayal occurring prevents an overreaction or undue self-accusation.
Recognizing the possibility (probability?) of betrayal occurring prevents an overreaction or undue self-accusation.
2. Be diligent to forgive freely and fully.
You may never come to terms with why someone was so hurtful. But you need to come to terms with your need to forgive them.
Rehearsing their betrayal over and over freshly opens the wound. And it creates the possibility of further “infection” to get into it. Forgiveness allows for healing to come.
Rehearsing a betrayal over and over freshly opens the wound, and creates the possibility for further “infection.” Forgiveness allows for healing to come.
By the way, when it comes to major betrayals, you may do well to process this with a trusted friend who can make sure your forgiveness is specific and complete. As well, they can ongoingly monitor whether you are still holding a grudge.
3. Refuse to allow such betrayals to keep you from ever engaging or trusting again.
To be sure, lessons can be learned as it relates to how quickly or deeply to trust, but to abandon all efforts to do so is to sentence yourself to isolation, loneliness, and even vulnerability.
While wisdom would counsel you to guard your heart, don’t deny yourself the need to judiciously open up your heart.
4. Remember that on occasion, those who betrayed or abandoned you will realize what they did and return to ask your forgiveness.
There have been some marvelous moments when those who abandoned me returned to say, “I am so sorry for how I treated you. I never should have left as I did.”
Or for those who betrayed me to ask for a meeting. “I need to own what I did and how I hurt you. Would you please forgive me?”
Even as I write this, I can recall multiple occasions when this happened. And individuals come to mind with whom I am now reconciled. Indeed some of these have become dear friends
To be sure, betrayals are wounding, but the wound does not need to be fatal. Indeed, though it may leave a scar, that scar can be a reminder of God’s sufficiency and healing power.
Betrayals are wounding, but the wound does not need to be fatal. Though it may leave a scar, that scar can be a reminder of God’s sufficiency and healing power.
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