The Sacred Gift of Listening
I have a bad habit. Okay…who am I kidding? I have a bunch of bad habits.
But one of my worst is my tendency to interrupt others. They begin to share something and then I butt in.
There are all sorts of reasons why I do this. For one thing, I have a propensity toward impatience. I quickly conclude that I understand what’s being shared and want to offer my advice without wasting any more time on the details.
For another thing (and this is even uglier), I jump in to change the topic to something that I think is more important to talk about.
Very seldom do I truly engage as a listener, much less encourage the speaker to continue: “What was that like for you…?” “How did that make you feel…?”
Yet Scripture reminds us of the importance of listening before speaking.
“Understand this, my brothers and sisters: you must be all be quick to listen and slow to speak…” (James 1:19 NLT)
“Listen before you answer. If you don’t, you are being stupid and insulting.” (Proverbs 18:13 TEV)
When you stop and think about it, this only makes sense. For most of us, however, choosing to truly listen won’t come easily. Our ingrained patterns of behavior override our good intentions.
The Talking Stick
That’s where a visual aid known as the Talking Stick can come in handy. Perhaps you’re familiar with it.
For you to whom this is new, here’s how it works. In conversations, whoever holds the Talking Stick has the right to talk and all the rest commit to listening.
When the person is done speaking, they hand the Talking Stick to another person. This allows the person to either respond to the first person or to change the subject.
Interestingly, the Talking Stick is a tradition that spans thousands of miles and dozens of cultures – from the native tribes of Africa to the native tribes of North America. Its origins appear to be of ancient and unknown tradition, but the practice continues today.
I recently learned something quite striking, however. In these cultures, giving a person your full attention is considered more than an act of respect. It’s a sacred gift. That is to say, your commitment to being fully present is itself a present.
Giving a person your full attention is more than an act of respect. It’s a sacred gift.
Heart to Heart Listening
Leighton Ford echoes this in his book, Wholly and Holy Listening. He writes that “…listening is not a strategy. Listening is a sacrament. In a sacrament, God takes something ordinary and uses it for His sacred purposes.”
"Listening is a sacrament. In a sacrament, God takes something ordinary and uses it for His sacred purposes.” – Leighton Ford
He continues that this “…holy space becomes a safe place into which the other can speak out, often haltingly, perhaps with some struggles, the tensions they have been holding in, the hurts they have been holding onto.”
It’s here when “wholly listening” has the possibility to become “holy listening.” It’s here when God’s Spirit might take another’s words not only to your ears but into your heart. And it’s here when you then have an opportunity to respond from your heart through your lips to their ears and into their heart.
Heart to heart listening. An unlikely yet significant sacrament in which God can fulfill His sacred purposes – if only we provide the space.
Can you imagine how honoring it would be if you listened to someone not only to gain their information but to feel their emotion? And then to linger there, asking them in effect, “Tell me more.”
Can you imagine how honoring it would be if you listened to someone not only to gain their information but to feel their emotion?
Who knows how much that sort of response could lead to a new level of relational depth? What a win that would be!
In light of this, I’ve decided to adopt this Talking Stick philosophy in my dealings with my wife, kids, friends, and colleagues. To refrain from cutting them off and chiming in. To see if wholly listening might just become holy listening.
Perhaps, in doing that, I will be giving them the sacred gift that they’ve been longing for. And, perhaps then, something divine might just happen.
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